Friday, December 30, 2011

Tattoos and Piercings

Dear Aliens,

Gosh! It's been a long time since I last wrote! Jeez! Time sure flies. I bet you thought I got abducted or something! Then again, I guess you'd know if I was (and you wouldn't hear any complaints from me - hint hint!). Me and Navel were invited to be a part of this huge crocheting convention and we sure got swept up in that!

Anyway, I'm glad that you haven't invaded or induced any global catastrophes yet. There have been a lot of movies about you doing so, and I can only imagine how insulted you must get every time Hollywood tries to generate some new evil alien. So thanks for being so cool.

So you're probably wondering about the whole tattoo thing, huh? Here we are running around getting poked by needles thousands of times just so we can be stuck with some dumb picture in our skin for the rest of our lives. I can tell you, I visited New York City once when my cousin Larry got married, and I've seen some SCARY looking people. Some of them look like circus sideshow freaks - and they do it to themselves ON PURPOSE!!!
Funny thing though, as crazy as they may look, most of them are very nice people! On that same trip to New York I went to Coney Island and I was getting a hot dog from a vendor when one of these freakie-deakies was in line right behind me! He had a little dog with a little pink mohawk, and when he caught me staring at the poor little pooch, he told me I could pet her! Can you imagine!? I told him about my kitty, Navel, and how she had the mange a couple years back but it kept creeping back, and we got into this long conversation about pet grooming. He had spiders tattooed all over his face and webs all over his neck with different animals stuck in the web being wrapped up by the icky spiders! But it turned out that he was an ex-veterinarian, and he gave me some wonderful holistic treatments for my poor little Navel.

Such a sweet guy!

So you see, tattoos are just another potential for your misunderstanding us!

Now, just so you don't get in trouble, there are a few types of tattoos you should learn to distinguish:

These gentlemen above may look similar, but one of them is a tad bit more dangerous than the other. Body art is used all over our wonderful world by a multitude of cultures for a cornucopia of reasons. Some of these are to simply to beautify as in the nice little man on the left up there. Others, however, are like the colors on a venomous slithery snake, and are meant to ward off predators and intimidate prey. The nasty fellow on the right is a Russian criminal and his tattoos, like the merit badges of our wonderful American Boy Scouts, are markers of the horrible things he's done like murder, rape, and talk-back.

This guy just likes sharks. and small bathing suits. He's a prime example of how some humans simply enjoy to get a little picture of something they like put on their skin. It's like homage to whatever they relate to. I wonder if you have any similar practices on your planet...

Anyway, as I was writing this, I realized that maybe I should try it out, so I got this little sucker on my ankle as a tribute to you!

Warm regards from Jersey City! Come visit soon!
-Marv (and Navel)