Friday, December 30, 2011

Tattoos and Piercings

Dear Aliens,

Gosh! It's been a long time since I last wrote! Jeez! Time sure flies. I bet you thought I got abducted or something! Then again, I guess you'd know if I was (and you wouldn't hear any complaints from me - hint hint!). Me and Navel were invited to be a part of this huge crocheting convention and we sure got swept up in that!

Anyway, I'm glad that you haven't invaded or induced any global catastrophes yet. There have been a lot of movies about you doing so, and I can only imagine how insulted you must get every time Hollywood tries to generate some new evil alien. So thanks for being so cool.

So you're probably wondering about the whole tattoo thing, huh? Here we are running around getting poked by needles thousands of times just so we can be stuck with some dumb picture in our skin for the rest of our lives. I can tell you, I visited New York City once when my cousin Larry got married, and I've seen some SCARY looking people. Some of them look like circus sideshow freaks - and they do it to themselves ON PURPOSE!!!
Funny thing though, as crazy as they may look, most of them are very nice people! On that same trip to New York I went to Coney Island and I was getting a hot dog from a vendor when one of these freakie-deakies was in line right behind me! He had a little dog with a little pink mohawk, and when he caught me staring at the poor little pooch, he told me I could pet her! Can you imagine!? I told him about my kitty, Navel, and how she had the mange a couple years back but it kept creeping back, and we got into this long conversation about pet grooming. He had spiders tattooed all over his face and webs all over his neck with different animals stuck in the web being wrapped up by the icky spiders! But it turned out that he was an ex-veterinarian, and he gave me some wonderful holistic treatments for my poor little Navel.

Such a sweet guy!

So you see, tattoos are just another potential for your misunderstanding us!

Now, just so you don't get in trouble, there are a few types of tattoos you should learn to distinguish:

These gentlemen above may look similar, but one of them is a tad bit more dangerous than the other. Body art is used all over our wonderful world by a multitude of cultures for a cornucopia of reasons. Some of these are to simply to beautify as in the nice little man on the left up there. Others, however, are like the colors on a venomous slithery snake, and are meant to ward off predators and intimidate prey. The nasty fellow on the right is a Russian criminal and his tattoos, like the merit badges of our wonderful American Boy Scouts, are markers of the horrible things he's done like murder, rape, and talk-back.

This guy just likes sharks. and small bathing suits. He's a prime example of how some humans simply enjoy to get a little picture of something they like put on their skin. It's like homage to whatever they relate to. I wonder if you have any similar practices on your planet...

Anyway, as I was writing this, I realized that maybe I should try it out, so I got this little sucker on my ankle as a tribute to you!

Warm regards from Jersey City! Come visit soon!
-Marv (and Navel)

Monday, March 9, 2009

Excessive Facial Hair

Dear Aliens,

As you observe us from your solemn orbit, you may notice a segment of our population boasting what I can only describe as "phenomenal facial-hair flourishes." Please do not feel threatened by these curious folk! They are as harmless as the manatee, and known to be very good with children.

It has been documented by human scientists that certain animals in the wild assert their dominance through similar ostentatious exhibition. These humans do not fall into the same category.
Unlike the colorful peacock who displays the grandeur of his plumage to attract potential mates, these men are not known to procreate.

Furthermore, due to this unfortunate trend, they face potential extinction and should be considered an endangered subsect of humanity.

Secondly, these robust churlish gents, are not to be likened to elk or antelope whose ornate antlers are used in fierce clashes in the wild. These men pose no danger to you. Should one approach you aggressively, I suggest standing your ground. The likelyhood of being harmed by one of the horn-like protuberances is slim. Though a rash is plausable.

the exception to the rule:
Should you encounter one of these men riding a motorcycle and clad in leather, I would limit eye contact and warn your young not to attempt to make contact or pet. Though easily mistaken for the cuddly beard bourgoise, they are, in fact, venomous.

An easy way to spot one of these is their exposed skin markings ("tattoos" to be discussed in the future!) and piercings. They may also reek of musk, leather, whiskey, and possibly death. Act neutral and pass by calmly--they seldom attack if unprovoked.

To the venerable and enlightened beings from planets in galaxies far far away!

Hi Aliens!

My name is Marv, I'm 33 Earth-years old, and I'm a professional Mathematician. I live in Jersey City, New Yersey with my pet cat Navel, and I have the most powerful telescope in my neighborhood! I love gazing into the cosmos, monitoring distant planets and thier moons, comets, and searching for signs from you.

Due to some recent cosmic activity I have been privvy to, I have become concerned about your imminent interactions and perceptions of the human race and our existence on our lovely Earth. I am creating this blog just to kind of help you fully understand our little planet and some of the crazy stuff we do.

We humans are really a fun race, but I wonder if some of our activities may seem confusing and/or distressing to you. Please don't take offense! I'm not underestimating your intelligence. I can't even begin to imagine the mental powers contained in your amazing giant heads.

Please understand, though, that not everything we do is based on logic, and I am sure that some sort of a culture shock is inevitable. I am hoping that this blog may aid in preventing you from deciding to eliminate us as a species prematurely. If you just give us a chance, I am positive that you will find us and our little blue planet to be welcoming and Fun!

I don't know how many planets you've visited, but ours could make an excellent tourist attraction! We may only have one moon, but I'll tell you, a pony ride at the Wisconsin State Fair is an adventure you won't find anywhere else in our solar system!

This is a really grand and expansive undertaking, so I hope you will have patience with me. I am going to assume that you are already versed with the basics (evolution of our species, technological achievements, global climate conditions, biodiversity, etc...), so I will focus more on the specific things. Either things that I think really make Earth stand out as a planet, or things that are just kind of wacky.

Reporting from the Rock,

-Marv Spiel
(and Navel)
ps - If you are considering potential candidates to come up and visit your majestic ships, I am an excellent choice! My mathematical prowess will aide both in our verbal and technological understandings of one another! As you can see I am also an excellent writer so I will be able to convey the magnificence of your advanced technologies to the rest of my colleagues.