Monday, March 9, 2009

Excessive Facial Hair

Dear Aliens,

As you observe us from your solemn orbit, you may notice a segment of our population boasting what I can only describe as "phenomenal facial-hair flourishes." Please do not feel threatened by these curious folk! They are as harmless as the manatee, and known to be very good with children.

It has been documented by human scientists that certain animals in the wild assert their dominance through similar ostentatious exhibition. These humans do not fall into the same category.
Unlike the colorful peacock who displays the grandeur of his plumage to attract potential mates, these men are not known to procreate.

Furthermore, due to this unfortunate trend, they face potential extinction and should be considered an endangered subsect of humanity.

Secondly, these robust churlish gents, are not to be likened to elk or antelope whose ornate antlers are used in fierce clashes in the wild. These men pose no danger to you. Should one approach you aggressively, I suggest standing your ground. The likelyhood of being harmed by one of the horn-like protuberances is slim. Though a rash is plausable.

the exception to the rule:
Should you encounter one of these men riding a motorcycle and clad in leather, I would limit eye contact and warn your young not to attempt to make contact or pet. Though easily mistaken for the cuddly beard bourgoise, they are, in fact, venomous.

An easy way to spot one of these is their exposed skin markings ("tattoos" to be discussed in the future!) and piercings. They may also reek of musk, leather, whiskey, and possibly death. Act neutral and pass by calmly--they seldom attack if unprovoked.

To the venerable and enlightened beings from planets in galaxies far far away!

Hi Aliens!

My name is Marv, I'm 33 Earth-years old, and I'm a professional Mathematician. I live in Jersey City, New Yersey with my pet cat Navel, and I have the most powerful telescope in my neighborhood! I love gazing into the cosmos, monitoring distant planets and thier moons, comets, and searching for signs from you.

Due to some recent cosmic activity I have been privvy to, I have become concerned about your imminent interactions and perceptions of the human race and our existence on our lovely Earth. I am creating this blog just to kind of help you fully understand our little planet and some of the crazy stuff we do.

We humans are really a fun race, but I wonder if some of our activities may seem confusing and/or distressing to you. Please don't take offense! I'm not underestimating your intelligence. I can't even begin to imagine the mental powers contained in your amazing giant heads.

Please understand, though, that not everything we do is based on logic, and I am sure that some sort of a culture shock is inevitable. I am hoping that this blog may aid in preventing you from deciding to eliminate us as a species prematurely. If you just give us a chance, I am positive that you will find us and our little blue planet to be welcoming and Fun!

I don't know how many planets you've visited, but ours could make an excellent tourist attraction! We may only have one moon, but I'll tell you, a pony ride at the Wisconsin State Fair is an adventure you won't find anywhere else in our solar system!

This is a really grand and expansive undertaking, so I hope you will have patience with me. I am going to assume that you are already versed with the basics (evolution of our species, technological achievements, global climate conditions, biodiversity, etc...), so I will focus more on the specific things. Either things that I think really make Earth stand out as a planet, or things that are just kind of wacky.

Reporting from the Rock,

-Marv Spiel
(and Navel)
ps - If you are considering potential candidates to come up and visit your majestic ships, I am an excellent choice! My mathematical prowess will aide both in our verbal and technological understandings of one another! As you can see I am also an excellent writer so I will be able to convey the magnificence of your advanced technologies to the rest of my colleagues.