Monday, March 9, 2009

Excessive Facial Hair

Dear Aliens,

As you observe us from your solemn orbit, you may notice a segment of our population boasting what I can only describe as "phenomenal facial-hair flourishes." Please do not feel threatened by these curious folk! They are as harmless as the manatee, and known to be very good with children.

It has been documented by human scientists that certain animals in the wild assert their dominance through similar ostentatious exhibition. These humans do not fall into the same category.
Unlike the colorful peacock who displays the grandeur of his plumage to attract potential mates, these men are not known to procreate.

Furthermore, due to this unfortunate trend, they face potential extinction and should be considered an endangered subsect of humanity.

Secondly, these robust churlish gents, are not to be likened to elk or antelope whose ornate antlers are used in fierce clashes in the wild. These men pose no danger to you. Should one approach you aggressively, I suggest standing your ground. The likelyhood of being harmed by one of the horn-like protuberances is slim. Though a rash is plausable.

the exception to the rule:
Should you encounter one of these men riding a motorcycle and clad in leather, I would limit eye contact and warn your young not to attempt to make contact or pet. Though easily mistaken for the cuddly beard bourgoise, they are, in fact, venomous.

An easy way to spot one of these is their exposed skin markings ("tattoos" to be discussed in the future!) and piercings. They may also reek of musk, leather, whiskey, and possibly death. Act neutral and pass by calmly--they seldom attack if unprovoked.

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